Collection of Old Poetry

so easy we thought
to find a weak spot 
how easy we were taught
pouring single words of love would be to 
reinforce an ideology 
that these simple things 
could fix a person

but now i wonder if:

would it be better to rip a chest open and plant a blossoming garden would be better then forcing shut a wound with treads of golden force

.

.

.
Pace, pace, pace

Rhythm of slapping feet

No where, no where

Oh I am just silent outside revenue

Tight throat;

Oh god I’m screaming

Validation, validated.

Please, daffodils, please

.

.

.

Words spoken as if

Vacant lots in a closed 
Down town

Was my manifest destiny

No means of translation 
Or altercations

Clear blue cruising day one

Sinking ships today

Tomorrow to today

“I love you I love you

Don’t forget that I love”

Seems a little bit more like

“I’m scared to let go”

.

.

.
Escaping an unraveling

Knotted tethered noose

Fingers clasped tightly

My grandmothers heart necklace

Throbbing little knots

Rug burn craving

Into weathered palms

Hold on just right.

.

.

.
Pressing my palms together

For a second searching for light

To fill fallen cracks with

Something that could fix it for some time

Waking mid-night to think again

About distant past memories

Tell myself once more

That this person I remember had past

I cover my naked cracks

Daffodils, pansies, and vermillion lilacs

I cover a stone statue 
With appearances of aliveness

A beautiful moment though is

When weeds begin to erode stone

Creating space between something once so cold

And replacing it with something so warm.

.

.

.

Throw me a line

Referring to the right word

Not the best nor

The worse at these things

Over and over

Pacing familiar halls

Opening and shutting

Similar feeling doors

Lock them once ajar

Self promises to

Never revisit this place

.

.

.

“Lipstick stained mugs

Breathe tinted with

Smoke and liquor

Sunsets and sunrises

Nothing more and nothing less

All I could ask from you is

Is to pour me a cup and lit the end

And stay for a chat ”

.

.

.

she had been a

forest craved out

set blazing bright

burnt and destroyed 

beauty and glory stolen

till one day

you met her at midnight

so careful to plant a new garden

.

.

.

“One day you’ll realize you can’t keep hating yourself

”
Peeled potatoes skins
”

Sliver slicing throw beige bodies

“You can’t hate yourself forever” 

11 and I have my first drink

A drink to forget turns into

Pills to not feel at 12

At 13, my stomach matches

The void of where a child use to be

And then 15 I fill myself with

Affections and love from forgien men

I am 18 now and I still am trying to

Figure out how to not hate myself

.

.

.

i am not a whole 
nor am i broken

but instead

I am many little people

strewn together

sometimes so tightly 
and in other

loose like lacey fabric 

i do not know how to feel about this

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What You Should Know About Recovery 

Recovery from mental illness and addiction is a highly hot seat topic- but it’s one that needs to be discussed. Beyond being a rough conversation since it’s such an emotional topic- it’s a very complicated topic. There are so many studies, so many treatments, and a HUGE gap in open mindedness. 
So what’s the truth about it? Recovery comes with a lot of ugliness. It comes with varied truths. It comes with such a vast amount of work. When I was in college for Addiction Therapy there was a plethora of studies, case files, and text I had to read from. There were a lot of nights where I would stay up into the middle of the night combing through my textbooks to find answers.
You want to know the hard truth about recovery? There is no catch all, no strict path you can take.  There will be no catch all, be all. And you want to know what, it’s going to take a couple times to figure out what works for you. It’s going to be a whirl wind of let’s down and disappointment.
Besides from my education- I’ve spent a long time trying to figure out what way is up and what way is down. I had to figure out from there, which way would work for me. Let me tell you, that itself was a project that took years. 
It took me awhile to trust myself, than to believe in myself, and then to act on it. It was lessons, on lessons, and on lessons. It was constantly picking myself up off the ground, and then having to forgive myself for what felt like the stupidest mistakes.
The truth about recovery though- is that you have the find the truth about yourself. It’s finding your authenticity- exploring it, and then growing it. It’s something only you can truly find out for yourself. 

Falling Back In Love With Life

I’ve experienced  a great amount of life in depressive dazes since I was a small child. For the majority of my teenaged years I spent it in an angers rage. To be honest, there was never a real point in my life where I was really happy. Until recently, my life was ruled by negative emotions and negative notions.

That was it- misery and apathetic was how it was going to be.

There is a point in everyone’s life where the must feel this way. It’s as though life is just a greyscale painting. As though everything is slowed down and you think to yourself, “This is my life, and it just sucks.” To be truthful, I’ve been here more than once. To be truthful again, this can also be an amazing point to be at.

 Why? At this point and time, you are aware of where you stand in your life. This is where you can change it. This is not where the unhappiness begun; this is just where you woke up to it. If you’ve felt this way before there is a good chance you’ve been unhappy for quite sometime and chances are, you weren’t loving life for a long time.

This is where changes bloom from. This is where you can get creative and here lies the question: are you ready to fall back into love with life?

If yes, what needs to change? What needs to be fixed? How are you going to productively change your life? 

It’s time to declutter your mind so you can declutter your life. It’s okay to shed old ideas, old friendships, old relationships, and old practices. Allow yourself to get rid of what no longer suits you. Please do it. Write down what’s been making you unhappy whether it is your weight, your marriage, your job, and so on. The important thing after this task is: why is it making you so unhappy or feeling stuck? Because after that step, you can now figure out how to actively fix and change it.

Let me tell you, falling back in love with life is possible and almost magical. It’s like waking up from a nightmare. It rearranging your bedroom during the spring time or changing your look after a bad break up.

Never stop giving life a chance, because it will always surprise you with the best gifts ever.

Simple Self-Care Acts to Change Your Day

“I am a mom on a mission” has been my most used phrase lately- because really, my wheels never stop going. But after my recent vacation from work and social media I left with a lot of very, very important lessons. One was- the importance of really making sure my self-care routine is respected.

For the first year of my son’s life- man, did I really stop taking care of myself. There were times where I forgot when the last time a bathe was. Yikes, right?

So the last month I have dedicated myself to my self-care, but what if you’re on the go, busy bee?

One thing I do for myself is make sure my hair is done, my face is clean, and my teeth are brushed. You’re probably like, “wow that’s gross you have to remind yourself to do this.” But I’ve noticed that these three things are often popularly forgotten and need to put on higher respect.

If you suffer from depression- you probably understand this all to well. It is often to easily put off to the side for us who have depression. So how do I fit my minimalist self care into my life?

I made a 10 minute routine because the faster the better. Sometimes I even do all of them in the shower so all of it is taken care of at once. (Yes you heard that, I even brush my hair in the shower.) I motivate myself by telling myself that yes, I WILL feel damn well better after I do this. This is also repeated right before bed- minus the shower. Why? Because it’ll lend hand in starting the day feeling just a little less gross.

Another way to fit in a small but effective self care act is vitamins. I pledge allegiance to the magically power of vitamins. We’ve all tried to eat nutritionally, but even when we try we still don’t always manage to get the right amount of vitamins into our body- and man ever since I started taking my vitamins (I take 12 a day!) I have had more energy, my skin is better, my hair has grown like a weed, and my nails are longer than ever.

Nutrition is often forgotten when we discuss self-care- we will usually discuss the frills and decor of what self-care is- taking bubble baths, doing facial masks, and painting our nails- but that is not realistic daily self-care. This is not what gets us day to day- these are what I consider- luxury self-care.

One of my favorite ways to practice self care is to protect my mental status with grounding and mindfulness. Taking a second to remind myself that I am actually alive and not a zombie going through the motions. Taking ten minutes max to truly feel something and just be is the most important thing to me- out of all the things I have mentions. I will literally take a minute and smell these goddamn roses!