Collection of Old Poetry

so easy we thought
to find a weak spot 
how easy we were taught
pouring single words of love would be to 
reinforce an ideology 
that these simple things 
could fix a person

but now i wonder if:

would it be better to rip a chest open and plant a blossoming garden would be better then forcing shut a wound with treads of golden force

.

.

.
Pace, pace, pace

Rhythm of slapping feet

No where, no where

Oh I am just silent outside revenue

Tight throat;

Oh god I’m screaming

Validation, validated.

Please, daffodils, please

.

.

.

Words spoken as if

Vacant lots in a closed 
Down town

Was my manifest destiny

No means of translation 
Or altercations

Clear blue cruising day one

Sinking ships today

Tomorrow to today

“I love you I love you

Don’t forget that I love”

Seems a little bit more like

“I’m scared to let go”

.

.

.
Escaping an unraveling

Knotted tethered noose

Fingers clasped tightly

My grandmothers heart necklace

Throbbing little knots

Rug burn craving

Into weathered palms

Hold on just right.

.

.

.
Pressing my palms together

For a second searching for light

To fill fallen cracks with

Something that could fix it for some time

Waking mid-night to think again

About distant past memories

Tell myself once more

That this person I remember had past

I cover my naked cracks

Daffodils, pansies, and vermillion lilacs

I cover a stone statue 
With appearances of aliveness

A beautiful moment though is

When weeds begin to erode stone

Creating space between something once so cold

And replacing it with something so warm.

.

.

.

Throw me a line

Referring to the right word

Not the best nor

The worse at these things

Over and over

Pacing familiar halls

Opening and shutting

Similar feeling doors

Lock them once ajar

Self promises to

Never revisit this place

.

.

.

“Lipstick stained mugs

Breathe tinted with

Smoke and liquor

Sunsets and sunrises

Nothing more and nothing less

All I could ask from you is

Is to pour me a cup and lit the end

And stay for a chat ”

.

.

.

she had been a

forest craved out

set blazing bright

burnt and destroyed 

beauty and glory stolen

till one day

you met her at midnight

so careful to plant a new garden

.

.

.

“One day you’ll realize you can’t keep hating yourself

”
Peeled potatoes skins
”

Sliver slicing throw beige bodies

“You can’t hate yourself forever” 

11 and I have my first drink

A drink to forget turns into

Pills to not feel at 12

At 13, my stomach matches

The void of where a child use to be

And then 15 I fill myself with

Affections and love from forgien men

I am 18 now and I still am trying to

Figure out how to not hate myself

.

.

.

i am not a whole 
nor am i broken

but instead

I am many little people

strewn together

sometimes so tightly 
and in other

loose like lacey fabric 

i do not know how to feel about this

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3 Things Being Grateful Can Do To You

Practicing gratitude is a fantastic, and free tool to lighten up not only your day- but your life. Gratitude is not a catch all tool, but since heavily practicing during my last year of life my moods have improved, and when my depression rolls around it keeps me afloat.  

Gratitude is the practice of remembering what you are happy, and blessed for. These things can from a new car you got, or your warm cup of coffee every morning. Some people write physical lists, and some people practice it through daily affirmations.

So what are some changes you’ll notice?

1. Less will upset you 

Positivity will become more normal in your life, and when things do go wrong, you’ll handle it much better. You’ll be aware of all the good THATS happening to you and that one bad thing will be brushed up. Life is 10 percent of what happens to you, and 90 percent of how YOU react to you.

2. You’ll feel lighter.

Gratitude is a mood improving technique. When you practice it morning and night, you be able to most days wake up in the right mood. You’ll start if feeling empowered and take over the world, and just be able to manuever much smoother through your daily tasks.

3. People will see the difference.

When you are happier, people can tell. People who are also in the same mindset will be attracted to your new energy, and they will become more plentiful. What this does is- you’ll be able to now surrrond yourself with people who are much kinder, and much more aligned with your new found higher vibration. You’ll be able to attract things and people who are of your higher purpose.

Why You Should Practice Gratitude Right Now

Being grateful is important to changing your mindset and being able to create a much more positive approach to life. 

I remember once when I was younger and going through what was the hardest part of my life- my therapist once said to me: Being happy is some thing we do. It doesn’t come to you. While there are things that happen to us that are traumtic we have a chance everyday when we wake up- to make the effort to have a good day. 

Though- let’s be realistic, life is hard. Life throws curve balls, and I don’t agree that happiness is an all the time thing. (Actually- being happy all the time is unhealthy.) The reason is stuck out to me was where the conversation led to.

Mindset.

He spoke of how to try to create more happiness. He went onto saying that there is a tool to help you maintain a positive outlook when you wake up: Gratitude.

Gratitude is important because you count your blessing. You focus on what is going right. You focus on what you do have, and not what you DON’T have. It creates a more positive self talk, and reminds you of what’s great about your life.

Tips and Hints on Law of Attraction

Yes, I went to Rehab and it’s none of your business.

When you put your business online- you are going to be critized once and awhile. In my time of being a blogger I’ve had my fair share of not so great fed back. Some people don’t accept my spiritual and religious approach, and some people don’t agree with my approach to recovery. My maturity is to the point where at time I can accept to agree to disagree.

When it comes to writing about addiction- I can get protective. It has been for a long time my most sensitive topic. For the longest time talking about my own addiction has brought me a great deal of shame, and have for a long time worked towards keeping distance from it. It has taken a great amount of healing to discuss it openly.

For awhile I got nothing but positivity about, support about it, and kind words about it. But recently my worse nightmare occurred.

Someone used it against me.

For about a day it put me in a bad mood, a funk, and could feel myself getting lower, lower, lower. The truth is- it struck me really, really hard. 

Though the real truth is- it’s not your business. It’s no one freaking business but MINE. While I write about recovery and my experience- it’s no ones but my business to talk about. If my words help you, I have done my job. But if you want to use it against me- have fun because your input is irrelvant. 

Whether or not I did go- it’s not your topic to bring. It’s not your business to spread. An addicts story is theirs to talk about- it’s not for you or about you. 

Affirmations That Will Change Your Self Talk

Affirmations are becoming more and more popular, but a lot of people either don’t know what they are, or don’t know how to utilize them properly. An affirmation is something we say out loud or to ourselves to affirm a belief or a way of thinking- comparable to a prayer but for yourself.

Affirmation are great to teach yourself healthy, productive self talk. Self talk is very important for many reason- it can breed a much productive, motivated lifestyle. Negative self talk can create self restriction, poor outlook on life, and poor attitudes.

Here is a compiled list of Affirmations that you can use daily to improve your self talk:
I have permission to be happy


I am allowed to make mistakes- they are needed to learn


I am powerful, unstoppable, and courageous


There is nothing that can stop me


I can overcome all obstacles that come to me


No one control me other than me


I am talented, unique, and one of a kind


There is no one just like me, and I am living an unique experience


I am a being of love- I both give and recieve


I have the right to set boundaries for myself

Here are Five Ways to Brighten Your Day

A lot of coaches or spiritualist talk about mindset, mindset, mindset. 

“Mindset is key to everything”

“As long as your have the right mindset you’ll succeed”

The frustrating part is that they never tell you 1) what the right mindset is 2) how to achieve this mindset. Often the only reply is “think positively”. Which sure, that seems like great advice but if it were that simple- than I probably would not pay you hand over fist to have a coaching session with you.

I’m going to tackle the “positive thinking” aspect of this issue, and in another blog post I’ll tackle mindset more deeply.

Now you can try to be as positive as possible, but you’re going to run into one issue: some days it’s just going to be IMPOSSIBLE. Why? Because it’s really just not human to always have the perfect energy and positive attitude. If anyone tells you it is, they’re lying to you. They’re hiding one vital truth: when they are having a rough day they retreat to these five tricks:

1.) Music. 

It doesn’t matter what genre they listen to- as long as they can vibe to it and it speaks to them. I mean, even with me when I’m having a bad day I put my radio on a jam out. Dance, sing, and jam until my heart is completely content.

2.) Rest.

Yep, rest is so vital. A lot of people will tell you to push through the mental blockage. This is horrible advice. The best thing to do when you are having a hard day is to just slow down and take everything second by second.

3.) Being Mindful.

Any good spiritualist knows a bad day is clearly a day to get in touch with everything around them. Being able to feel the earth beneath you, the smells around you, truly taste food and drinks will bring you back into reality and take you out of that funk you’ve sunk into.

4.) Nature.

Now this one isn’t always possible, especially if you live in an area like I do that half the year it’s gloom and doom, but letting the sun shine on your skin is such a great way to start your day right or to be able to shake some dust off your day. Good weather is fantastic for recharging your energy.

5.) Affirmations.

Affirmations are a great way to start working on a long term goal of fixing your inner voice. Speaking positive things out loud to yourself is a great way to slowly rid of that negative self talk- which is one of the greatest ways to creat self restrictive attitudes.

These are my first go to tactics when I’m feeling a little blue. 

What You Should Know About Recovery 

Recovery from mental illness and addiction is a highly hot seat topic- but it’s one that needs to be discussed. Beyond being a rough conversation since it’s such an emotional topic- it’s a very complicated topic. There are so many studies, so many treatments, and a HUGE gap in open mindedness. 
So what’s the truth about it? Recovery comes with a lot of ugliness. It comes with varied truths. It comes with such a vast amount of work. When I was in college for Addiction Therapy there was a plethora of studies, case files, and text I had to read from. There were a lot of nights where I would stay up into the middle of the night combing through my textbooks to find answers.
You want to know the hard truth about recovery? There is no catch all, no strict path you can take.  There will be no catch all, be all. And you want to know what, it’s going to take a couple times to figure out what works for you. It’s going to be a whirl wind of let’s down and disappointment.
Besides from my education- I’ve spent a long time trying to figure out what way is up and what way is down. I had to figure out from there, which way would work for me. Let me tell you, that itself was a project that took years. 
It took me awhile to trust myself, than to believe in myself, and then to act on it. It was lessons, on lessons, and on lessons. It was constantly picking myself up off the ground, and then having to forgive myself for what felt like the stupidest mistakes.
The truth about recovery though- is that you have the find the truth about yourself. It’s finding your authenticity- exploring it, and then growing it. It’s something only you can truly find out for yourself.