Since the beginning of my journey I have experienced a type of grief- one where I look at my old life and grieve for myself. Since then, I have felt as though there has been a type of death. A death of myself- almost as though in the past couple years there has been multiple of me.
Old pictures of me sometime haunt me- to look at someone who looks exactly like you but you can’t recognize. My spirit is does not know this person- is this true enlightenment? Is this transformation? Sometimes I do not understand why I am experiencing this.
I think for most people who partake in a spiritual journey experiences one death of themselves. One death that ends one life and starts another, a moment when we transform. This isn’t a death of a habit, a death of a thought, or death of a cycle- but the entire death of your person. Sometimes when I look back I don’t even feel like those memories belong to me. It’s more of a video that is playing behind my eyes.
In a way this grief makes sense to me though, because there is a life I left behind. There are people, ideas, hopes, fear, and dreams that will never happen. There are words that will never be spoken, and that the old me will never be able to create the world she had wanted as a child. At times, I wish I had never changed, but as we know everything happens for a reason.